When your boyfriend tells you that he wants you to meet his parents, it sends you into a mild panic. But if he adds “…they live in Kent”, your stomach plunges into your feet. You know where this is going.
It means arriving at some rambling pile of a house to be faced by some Dickensian nightmare; people who can afford professionally installed screens on their kitchen islands and asking you why you don’t own any jumpers that aren’t from ASOS. There are two problems with this situation. One: when you grow up in Eugene, your “dress up” clothes consist of your nicer flannel shirt.
Two: even when you realise you need to Step Up Your Clothing Game for English Parents, how on earth do you make your trousers magically expensive-looking when you barely have enough money to buy the trousers? When my ex-boyfriend Tom told me his parents lived in Sevenoaks, I knew immediately that I was going to struggle.
He kindly sent me the address so I could see the sort of house I was walking into: an intimidating Tudor revival number complete with frescoes, stag heads and a butler they called Wellington.
I needed a plan.
I chose what I thought was a safe option – an old blazer I’d thrifted, convinced it was high-quality vintage. It was not high-quality vintage.
It was very clearly charity shop trophy house-brand vintage. At one point, his mother said my outfit was “interesting” which is English for: what are you wearing? Navigating middle class English parenthood as an American imbpecarooni is difficult because everyone knows this completely unspoken set of rules about what you should and shouldn’t wear but won’t admit it to you.
It’s less like law and more like morals. You break dress-code morals and they will judge you for being a stupid person. And believe me, I have spent MANY years learning the morals of visiting parent’s plush villas through dating boyfriends whose parents definitely own enough bathroom fittings to furnish Homesense for a year.
Here’s how to look as though you spent way more than your month salary on these clothes without actually spending that much money: Let me start by saying that last month my friend Sarah basically went through this exact situation. She started dating this guy James and low-and-behold his parents live in Berkshire which also means HUGE HOUSE WHERE EVERYTHING IS AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF. She was legit freaking out because she Googled their street on Maps and saw their house and was like WHERE DO PEOPLE SHOP WHERE YOU LIVE?? ?
Sarah messaged me and asked if I could give her some tips because James’ mum was antique-looking and she could not find a dress to match. She wore a dress that I found at Zara and some jumper her mum bought her from J Crew and her black booties from DSW. Guess what James’ mum said when Sarah showed up?! “Where did you get that dress?” And Sarah was like “Zara!” And his mum was like “Oh wow I love Zara!
I shop there too sometimes!” Buy the cheap-but-swanky version of whatever normally costs hundreds. That’s what the Home Counties parents are doing! This is because “Home Counties parents” aren’t looking for Balenciaga baggages.
They’re looking for… whatever they consider acceptable. You know how some people say it’s better to try too hard than not hard enough? These people are the opposite.
They know when you try. And when you try TOO hard. It’s like this weird middle ground of trying hard enough that you care about aesthetics but not too hard that you spent your whole paycheck on Madewell boots.
When you walk into that house you need to look like a Pinterest dream conjured into existence by confused angels with levels. You need to look like you could saunter outside for a light jog between Pilates and your round of golf and no one would question your life decisions. Kids, let me introduce you to the land of She’d Never Leave Woolworths Alone.
If you’re wearing a dress, err on the side of safe knee length. It should NOT be mini. Nothing sparkles or shines.
It should NOT be maxi. Just plain jane boring knee length. Pastels are good, as are muted dark colours like navy and forest green.
Go for colours you’d find on premium squirrel poo. One of my favourites is this navy dress I own from Zara. It was originally $79 but I bought it in the clearance section for $30.
It’s nothing crazy, but the fit is slim and simple enough to pass. Stick to small patterns or no patterns at all. Tom’s aunt kept asking if I was artistic when I wore this bright floral dress once.
Bright colours are big no nos. As are tropical prints and crazy patterns. I love small florals and stripes are always a great and safe choice.
Sometimes animal prints can work but you have to play it safe. Sticking to neutral colours will help you 100%. Materials are everything here.
Home Counties parents can spot faux silk from a mile away. Trust me. Their lives revolve around clothing; they’ll know.
If you can afford it, stick to natural fibres. A cheap cotton dress from H&M will probably scream fast fashion to them less than a faux leather Ann Taylor Loft dress. Ask yourself, do these clothes look and feel like they’re made with real things?
If the answer is no, leave them be. Shoes. Shoes are important.
They notice shoes. And your shoes need to look good but not too flashy. I found these brown leather flats at DSW that were on clearance for $20 and they look expensive AF to me.
Stick to flats or small heels. No trainers. ESPECIALLY DO NOT WEAR SNICKERS.
If you show up wearing trainers they will buy you wellies and force you to wear them around their farm. Trust me on this one. I’ve never seen a pair of wellies I actually liked but that doesn’t matter when someone hands them to you and says “OH HI DEBORAH WE LOVE TO SEE YOU IN WELLIES”.
They love the outdoors, whether it rains or not. Be prepared for countryside walks and always have a jumper on hand. For guys, it’s surprisingly easier than it is for women but guys stress about this WAY more than they should.
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Get some chinos, a button-down, maybe a jumper if it’s cold out. Thrift those clothes if you have to. Get the basics and try to fit them into your colour scheme.
Jumpers should be wool if possible and in neutral colours. They don’t have to actually like golf but God bless them, they love to assume you do. My friend Mike went to meet his girlfriend’s parents in Oxfordshire and borrowed an old cashmere v-neck from his dad and the boyfriend’s parents commented on his “nice jumper” at least five times.
It’s okay to raid your parents’ closets if you have to. Okay but jewellery is serious business for these guys. Home Counties parents can judge your jewellery choices from birth.
They spend so much time staring at clothes, they hone in on the little details like whether or not you own a nice necklace. Stick to smaller earrings. Maybe a thin necklace but that’s about it.
My friend Leah learned this the hard way when she showed up to meet her boyfriend’s parents with her favourite vintage kelly green earrings. She spent the entire lunch getting glared at by his mother every time she moved her head. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with that.
Don’t wear a Coach bag. Don’t wear a Gucci bag. Wear a bag that looks expensive but isn’t so popular that it screams “LOOK AT ME IM WEARING GUCCI”.
Target has a house brand called CALIFORNIA CASTIONS that makes some nice leather bags that don’t break the bank. Just make sure it doesn’t have any flashy designs or logos on it that will give you away. Here’s the thing about hair and makeup: you need to look like you’re not wearing makeup but also clearly ARE wearing makeup.
It’s makeup to make you look “natural”. Hair should be tidy. If you have crazy hair, get it cut into something more manageable.
You want them to think you spend your mornings doing Pilates and your afternoons golfing when really you spend them watching The Bold Type on repeat. The key is layers. Layers you can add or take off based on activities and locations.
They live in the countryside so you’ll be outside a lot more than you think, even if it’s just walking to the car. I always bring a cardigan to match my outfit and have a heavy coat on standby. Because you absolutely cannot forget about the coat.
Your coat is the first thing they’ll see when you walk through their front door. It matters. I have one good coat I bought from COS on sale that I took with me every time I needed to meet parents in the countryside.
It looks expensive enough to know that I know my way around a blowout but it’s not trendy enough to make people scared of me. Buy yourself one good coat that you can wear anytime you need to look moderately rich. Plan your shopping trips around sales.
Look for items that will pass as expensive without screaming trendy. Places like Zara, COS, & Other Stories are your friends. You can also thrift, as long as the clothes aren’t trendy or loudly vintage.
I found this adorable vintage silk scarf at Goodwill and I wear it ALL the time to add a pop of colour to solid outfits. Trust me, they love “vintage” pieces that look like heirlooms. Bonus points if you can convince them your grandma left you awesome stuff.
Look at the weather forecast BEFORE you go. If it looks like rain, plan for layers that can be added or removed easily. Are they taking you to lunch?
More casual. Dinner? Dress it up a bit.
BUT YOU STILL NEED LAYERS. These people love the outdoors and chances are, regardless of weather, you’ll be outside a good amount. Weekends are harder because you probably won’t see them after your initial meet cute so plan on changing outfits at some point.
I always plan for at least two outfits (one for before and one for after) just because you never know what adventures these people will whisk you off to. They love the village pub. The tiny cottage “down the road” they own with their friends.
The activities are never what you expect. The biggest DON’T is showing up that hasn’t tried at all. You do NOT want to look like you rolled out of bed and threw on clothes that vaguely cover your private areas.
To them, that is far worse than showing up under or over dressed. THEY WANT TO SEE THAT YOU MADE AN EFFORT even if your effort is picking out charmingly vintage-looking clothes at Target.
They have a checklist in their head of what not to wear and trust me when I say ripped jeans and a vintage band tee is ON IT.
Once you get the dress-code thing down, you’ll feel so much more comfortable going into the visit.
You won’t spend your time nervously wondering where the hell you can hide when you answer the door and instead can think of things to say like OH GEEZ THEIR ROSE GARDEN IS JUST SO BLOOMINGGGGGGGGGG. No one is asking you to change how you dress forever.
But you do need to think about who you’re dressing for when you get to meet the parents. Throw on a few personal touches here and there but make sure you have the basics covered first. Trust me, it’ll make life (and shopping) so much easier.
Sarah texted me yesterday to tell me that she and James ended up back at his family house for dinner… and she got to wear jeans and a cute jumper! She had mastered the art of visiting because she proved to them that she could dress the part if needed. Now she gets to relax a little bit.
And that, kids, is what we’re all going for here. Meeting parents when you’re poor sucks but it doesn’t have to destroy you. Now go forth and buy those mum jeans from J Crew you’ve been eyeing.
You deserve it.
