I learned how to properly wear a belt last Tuesday afternoon at Bergdorf’s. Yes, bergdorf’s. I stood there, naked on the inside from shame, wishing I could change my name and live on a deserted island far away from all the fashion editors who would now think twice before providing me fashion advice.
I was innocently looking at the new Proenza Schouler collection when I heard the softest and deadliest voice come from behind me, “Oh honey, you have that on backwards.” The sales woman; skinny as a rail, pale blonde hair chopped into a youthful platinum bob, ruby red lips that magically did not stain from how much she talked; was gesturing down at me and my…..belt. I immediately thought my dress must be inside out. Between me and that store mannequin spilling out of that barely there teensy weensy dress IRL, that would have been understandable.
But no, she was signaling toward my belt. My brown leather belt.
The plain-jane belt that lived in the depths of my closet but I pulled out so often that it probably knows my pant size by heart. “You’re wearing your belt backwards,” she chirped cheerfully as she adjusted her glasses with a finger adorned with more jewels than my college graduation ring. “See how it flips in toward your stomach?
You want that to go around your waist.” You want that to go around your waist??
Hun, I’ve BEEN wearing my waist. I raised a single eyebrow at her, not ready to believe that all this time I’d been dressing myself incorrectly.
I WORK in fashion. Like, I interview designers like Marc Jacobs for christ’s sake. I held Anna Wintour’s coffee once.
HELD. IT. I write about what to wear for a living.
Clearly I know how to put on a belt. “This happens ALL the time,” she insisted as she padded closer to me, smoothing down her floral Tory Burch skirt. I could tell by her dress alone that she was a pro. She’d been there enough time to know all the tricks of the trade.
Hell, maybe she worked there since Carrie bought her first pair of Manolo’s. “But the proper way to wear your belt is with the curve aligning with your waist.” She turned to me expectantly, hands on her hips as I stared at her like she was a horse trafficking illegal unicorn kittens. Okay, let’s address how insane this is right here. I KNOW HOW TO WEAR A BELT.
I live in NYC. Of course I know how to wear a belt! I shop at H&M, Petrossian sells caviar, AND I KNOW HOW TO WEAR A BELT.
UNTIL NOW. Turns out, belts have a correct way to be worn and I have been doing it wrong for, give or take, the past fifteen years of my life. “I didn’t know that!” I sputtered at her, feeling defeated. Because holy shit, if you told me ten years ago that I didn’t know how to wear my belt you would’ve legit hit me.
Wear your belt? Please. I was an expert at that. “What about cargo shorts?” I argued weakly, referring to the only time belts really apply and shouldn’t flap in the wind like a flag on fourth of July.
She laughed then, a musical sound that rivaled my Alexa talking to me from across the room. “Nobody wears their belt that way,” she said, patting my shoulder as if I were a child who just learned how to tie my shoes for the first time. Well shouldn’t you have been patting me on the back for all these years that I obviously knew WHAT I WAS DOING wearing my belt that way?! My shoulder hurt from her rude gesture. “Let me show you.” Before I knew what was happening, I was bent over in shame while the female Patricia Field rifled through my closet and put my belt on “correctly” (read: how everyone in Elle’s office wears theirs) for me.
Between a jacket that costs more than both of my cars COMBINED and rows upon rows of ridiculous vintage purses that would make Mary Poppins blush, Margot; yes, that was her name. Hi Margot. Insert name tag.; fixed my belt around my waist.
The curve went all the way around, mimicking the shape of my hips God I sound like one of her damnable advertisements. “Oh, that’s much better.” She nodded, snapping her fingers at a male sales associate who immediately jumped out from behind a rack of underwear that sold for more than my monthly rent to offer me a drink. “Wow, you look great!” He gushed at me and I wanted to disappear. Did I mention my trousers were also probably $900? Don’t answer that.
Look, if there’s one thing us writers are good at, it’s researching things. Like, when we’re bored we don’t scroll through Twitter, we Google weird topics and see what happens. And let me tell you what happens.
The world is WAY bigger than we give it credit for. So when I got home that night I put on my big girl panties and googled, “Did you know there’s a right way to wear these everyday items?” And damn if I didn’t uncover some fashion assumptions I’ve been making for years. Allow me to educate you on items you’re probably using the WRONG way.
The first step to wearing any button down shirt properly is to identify that stupid little loop on the back. When did wearing a white shirt become burdensome? Isn’t that whole idea behind a basic white tee shirt that it’s, well, basic?
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Shouldn’t you be able to throw that thing on without breaking a sweat? Newsflash buttercups: That tiny loop on the back of your white shirt is supposed to be at the base of your neck when you fold it diagonally across your chest. The tag should be peeking out above it.
White button ups are tricky, though. They take practise, and unless you’re wearing them tucked in and knotted on the sides, like ALL the fashion girls are these days, there’s hidden tricks to making them look more put together than your average middle American flyover tee. Turns out, that little loop is actually not a modern addition like I expected.
It’s been on button ups since their inception to help clothing factories know which way was up, but nowadays it can be used to hang your headphones off of when they’re wrapped around your neck! Look how cute my headphones look now that they’re being held up by my shirt! Baby Jesus really did come down that laundry mountain.
Okay, so now that we’ve got shirts covered, let’s talk about pockets. Specifically: Those little pocket inside your jean pockets. You know the ones I’m talking about, because you also assumed they were probably there for discreet drug deals when you were too poor to buy your own drugs in your early 20s.
Those teeny tiny pockets are called watch pockets, because before smartphones became a household iPhone, dudes used to carry pocket watches. Ingenious! But now that we all have pockets full of Louis Vuitton playing cards instead of time keeping devices, those little pockets are the perfect size for those AirPod accessories they sell atTARGET.
THEY FIT PERFECTLY. Target has taken over my life recently, I swear. If I had a dollar for every time I went in there and left with $200 worth of junk “I forgot I needed” I would be able to afford that damn coat I saw at Bergdorf’s.
Oh the places you’ll go with the right belt and accessories stored correctly! Which brings me back to my belt problems. If you didn’t catch my dramatic tale above about meeting my match at Bergdorf’s, let me sum it up for you.
I wore my belt the wrong way around for probably two decades. And then I learned how to wear it properly. The moral of this story?
BELTS HAVE A RIGHT SIDE. Who would’ve thought? They’re supposed to match the curve of your body so that when it goes around your waist it doesn’t bunch up on top.
The belt holes are strategically placed for the curve of the belt, which means when you wear it backwards you’re usually using the wrong hole for your size. It’s like wearing your hospital gown open in the back rather than tied shut (true story; don’t be like me). You might get away with it once or twice, but fashion folk (and hospital personnel) will think you have no idea what you’re doing wrong.
Guys wear their belt this way too, which makes the back vents and label labels extra noticeable when they’re not supposed to be. It’s a silent fashion betrayal. So the next time you rock up to your favourite store wearing that new jumper you bought or your grandma gave you for your birthday stare closely at the tag.
If you’re wearing a shirt and it’s hanging down on your shoulder or stomach, you’ve got it on backwards my friend. Unless you’re going for that avant garde look we all know you’re going for. #truestory But don’t worry, I’m definitely not alone in my backwards clothing mishaps. I polled all of my girlfriends –yes, I GET together with them and talk ON THE PHONE, ask Jen Axe – and none of them knew that about belts either!
I even asked my younger brother, who is basically me when I wore lowriders and reindeer shirts LOL WHATEVER THAT MEANS TO GENERATIONS Y/K. And he didn’t know!
Tyler actually replied with emojis.
Face with rolling eyes, Crash helmet with rose, Person cartwheeling, MAN WITH GOLDENEYE!!!! !
Anyway. Moral of that story: NONE OF US KNOW.
But now we know! Don’t be like me and wear your belt backwards. Unless you’re going for that look, again #noregelism okay?!
My life has been forever changed since my run in with the belt police (hi Margot!). I looked in every closet and examined every belt I owned to see if wearing them backwards was even a trend I wasn’t aware of. It’s not.
Please wear them right, friends. Quick, off-topic story: I know someone who wore their Kohls shirt backwards for like 10 years before someone told them it was wrong. And they MULTIPLE TIMES wore a pricey top to work like that because they LIKED how it felt.
WHO ARE YOU OH MIGHTY BELTS AND YOU FINE STRINGS THAT TAUNT ME. <|end_of_document|>
