My editor challenged me to let TikTok pick my outfit for a week. My initial response: Screw you that’s the stupidest idea you’ve ever had. But then my second thought: Oh shit yeah sign me up.
Because at this point in my fifteen-year fashion career, I’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to tasks that could potentially subject me to public humiliation. Is it journalistic integrity? Am I just masochistic?
Something my therapist has yet to discover? Either way, here we are.
THE RULES: Every morning I would look at trending TikTok hashtags and choose the most fashion related.
I would then style an entire outfit around whatever trending topic the algorithm spit out.
No cheating. No strategizing.
Even if it meant wearing something ridiculous to the office. Because apparently I hate myself. Or I love content.
Either way, lines are increasingly blurred. MONDAY: #CowboyCore Was there ever any question we would be starting with #CowboyCore? The universe clearly mocks me and my unwillingness to dress like a suburban dad because I am Jewish woman from Brooklyn who spent roughly three minutes around horses before she was professionally attacked by one.
Like why did the algorithm pick me? But fine. TikTok, let’s do this.
The only cowboy-y thing I owned was a pair of faux-snakeskin ankle boots I purchased for a music festival three years ago and have worn exactly twice since. Which meant I had to get creative. Scarf-as-neckerchief?
Cheque. Old, worn-in belt that vaguely resembled something you’d see in Texas? Cheque.
Fitted jeans and white button-up tied at the waist? Also cheque. All I needed was a cowboy hat and humanity would collectively know I was bred the cows, man.
Needless to say, my subway ride into work involved me trying not to make eye contact with strangers. A middle-aged man wearing slacks and a button-up actually stopped walking to do a double take. Yes, L train.
Where I’ve sat next to someone dressed as Goku for work at 8:30 AM on a Wednesday. “Howdy partner,” said Simone, our fashion director as I walked into our morning meeting. “Um. Hello?” I cautiously replied. “This your new normal?” she joked. Good one, Simone. “Um, I’m wearing this for an article?” I explained.
Because let’s be real “I’m doing this for a story” is basically fashion world code for “I refuse to admit I’m doing this ironically.” Our EIC, Katherine, raised an eyebrow but otherwise didn’t bat an eye at me rocking community theatre-level cowboy vibes to work. “You should take off the hat though, indoors,” she wisely suggested. Thank god. It actually hurt my neck to keep tying it up and not to mention, it kept sliding down into my eyes.
By lunch half my office asked if we were shooting a western-themed editorial. By mid-afternoon, I’d knocked over three items on my desk accidentally bumping into my neckerchief. By quitting time, I’d decided that cowboys must have extremely strong neck muscles and zero shame when it comes to sweating in all directions.
FINAL VERDICT: Not as unfashionable as you’d think if you skip the Stetson hat and try to blend into normal society- not cowtown. 2/5 stars would not rewear unless destination was actually Wyoming. TUESDAY: #OldMoneyAesthetic Thankfully the gods graced me with an easy-peasy Tuesday. #OldMoneyAesthetic was a dream, and tbh it’s basically my dream aesthetic anyway.
I may not have any old money but give me a crepe-soled shoe and I’ll pretend I do. From my camel cashmere jumper (sample sale, two seasons past), wool trousers (Zara that I’ve had tailored to look expensive), to my beat-up but beloved penny loafers that I wore so much during a summer internship they bruised my feet real blood. I tossed on a gold signet ring I bought at a vintage store (it actually belongs to someone else but hey roll with the aesthetic), slicked my hair into a low bun, and added some pearl studs.
Staring at myself in the mirror, I looked like someone who verb-ed “summer” and owns like five horses. And lives in a mansion. Excuse me what was I saying?
The thing is, it wasn’t that difficult to execute and also felt like cheating? Mostly everyone at Style Compass USA basically wears this except with actual funds and a country home they’ve inherited. I basically wore my usual office attire but with less guilt and more gold jewellery.
Needless to say, I walked into work with my head high. “You look nice,” Tyler from art department said to me as I passed by his desk. Tyler telling me I look nice is like Grammy’s awarding your film a standing ovation. “Thanks! Old money aesthetic.
News thing I’m doing.” He nodded knowingly. “Old money aesthetic is basically wealthy people wearingquiet luxury stuff. But without the actual wealth.” My outfit got me through my Tuesday of back-to-back meetings which included lunch with a fancy bag designer where I had to awkwardly pretend I owned her products. Fun fact: She actually treated me more seriously when I was wearing the old money clothes.
She picked up on my pretence immediately and I hate what that says about our society. But regardless, it was a great outfit and the only thing I’ll remember from Tuesday was how I kept catching myself calling people darling in my head. I blame the pearl earrings.
FINAL VERDICT: I’d 100% wear this as my daily outfit even if TikTok didn’t mandate it. Aspirational wardrobe has been a part of fashion since, well, people started aspiring to be rich. 5/5 stars.
WEDNESDAY: #BarbieCore Thankfully Wednesday redeemed me with #BarbieCore. Like why do I only have two productive days in a row? I own three things in pink: running shorts, a sports bra, and a cream cashmere beanie.
Do you think I could pull off an entire outfit with that pickle family jeweled? Negative. So I improvised.
If you’ve never been to CVS at 7AM, let me paint you a picture. Hotbar has already been touched by humans, the cheese danishes are stale, and the employees look like they might murder you if you say something stupid. Which I may or may not have done when asked to explain why the hell I was buying a pack of pink disposable razors.
The revelation that they came with a complimentary hot pink cosmetic case that could pass for a purse didn’t exactly alleviate her doubt either. But whatever. It was morning, I was living my worst life.
Long story short, I paired the one hot item I owned (the beanie) and essentially wore all white. White jeans, white button-up, adidas slides. Hot pink lipstick.
Blush. And to really set the mood, I folded a pink Post-it note into a square and pinned it to my lapel as a faux brooch. Sure, I wasn’t Barbie (yum) but I also wasn’t giving anything less than 100% so easily, Barbie.
I was leaning into chaos. That afternoon I had to moderate a panel discussion on sustainable fashion. To say the least, it was an… interesting look for a room full of tough-as-nails industry vets and sustainability experts.
Usually one-half of what I wear to these things are leather goods. Today it was literally a pink hat. Fun Fact: One of the panelists has known me for literal decades.
She raised an eyebrow at me during the entire event. “It’s for work, I promise.” I hissed at her over the chicken dish that I wasn’t drinking alcohol because #aspire. To look like Barbie. To be fair, she nodded and listened intently through the whole event.
But lady had zero hesitation when she passed me during networking to inform her PR rep that I was “a nightmare to work with.” Thanks Pastelly. I’ll give that zero stars out of five. THURSDAY: #CoastalGrandmother Thursday’s hashtag blessed me with coastal grandmother.
To be fair, I may or may not have cried when I saw that trend on my TikTok For You Page. Coastal grandmother is, in a nutshell, Nancy Meyers films collided with rich ladies who live by the ocean and have more linens than Etsy sells. It’s also basically what I attempt to wear daily pre-Thirty, just about twenty years early.
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I threw on an oversized cream cardigan, striped boatneck tee, wide leg linen blend trousers, and simple leather slides. I finished off the look with delicate gold jewellery, and, of course, the straw market tote I’ve had since college that I use to carry my groceries. Last but not least, I sprayed on the expensive perfume I own that smells like faintly smells like my grandmother’s basement.
As I walked to the subway, I literally stopped and stared at myself in the mirror three times. I looked…like me? Or the person I aspire to be when I’m older.
Ladies: wealthy, divorcée who wrote the great American novel in her Hamptons beach house at ungodly hours while sipping on chardonnay. Katherine double took at me when I walked into work that day. “Harper! You look so…relaxed.
Are you okay?” Relaxed was definitely the word of the day. “Just embracing the #coastalgrandmother trend for a story I’m doing.” Honestly, we bonded over how we’ve both clicked with certain TikTok fashion trends in our thirties. She even offered to swap jeans with me. Her’s are designer but high-waisted so it was a win win.
Low-key spilled red wine on them the first time I wore them. But hey, it’s par for the coastal grandmother course, right? Wore them too much?
I don’t know her, but I’ll invite her to my next book release party. FRIDAY: #Y2KRevival Friday of cursed us with #Y2KRevival. If you were not blessed enough to have traumatic flashback of the early 2000s as an actual teenager, let me take you back.
Remember whale tails? Visible thongs? Promise me you’ll never Google images those trends and scar your mental for life like I have.
And also, why are low-rise jeans still a thing?! ? Anyway, like a sadist I ventured into my own closet to dig through the outfits I had shamefully held onto for no reason other than they’ve been with me through thick and thin. There’s something mentally unhealthy about saving your college prom dress “just because.” My final outfit consisted of (you guessed it) loosely flare jeans that weren’t quite low-rise but hit low enough on my hip that I have not worn since college.
Baby tee I’d received as promotional merch (gift shops are the best) that I’ve slept in more times than I can count, destroyed platform flip flops that have survived every NYC flat I’ve lived in, and oh GOD THE HORROR a butterfly hair clip I couldn’t bare to throw out. Like I was looking in a mirror of my teenage self. Scarred and hopeless.
What did boys even like? UGH WHY HAS LIFE BEEN SO HARD “You are not wearing that to work,” my roommate Jade warned me when I emerged from our bedroom. “This is for a story?” I pleaded, grasping at my shitty tee like it was going to rip from my body at any moment. Also noting how it kept creeping up, showcasing stomach I’ve haven’t shown since napkins were invented. “It’s considered emotional self-harm.” She called after me lovingly.
Consider myself emotionally harmed. My entire day on Friday was actively resisting the urge to ball my trousers up to my waist to feel better about how gross they made me feel. #noregrets SATURDAY: #NightLuxe Saturday rolled around and thankfully gave us #NightLuxe. For those unfamiliar, TikTok describes night luxe as moody sexy vibes you’d wear after midnight.
Basically, dark colours, oversized everything in silky materials, and the overall look of *knows where all the secret bars are*. It’s literally the anti-coastal grandmother. Which equaled emotional whiplash but also let me shake off those Sunday feels by wearing all black everything.
I had plans with friends that evening to try out a new restaurant that’s very much playing up the cool factor. Which meant #NightLuxe was perfect for the occasion. I threw on a black slip dress I usually layer under other clothes to make it office appropriate, added a blazer, and shoes tall enough that I knew I’d call an Uber home.
Heavy gold jewellery, a dark red lip, and hair slicked back made me look less cozy jumper girl and more I know where all the cocaine dealers are 100% not talking about actual cocaine dealers. “Did you have a job interview or a date?” my friend Emma DM’ed me when I texted her I’d be running late. Instead of texting her back, I showed her the TikTok explanation of what I was doing. She responded with: “This is why you will never find someone.
Normal people use dating apps like singles exist. You do this shit.” Fair. truth. Like any trendy New York restaurant that thinks they’re too cool for air conditioning, there was a bouncer outside the doors sniffing at us like prisoners until he decided we looked affluent/boring enough to let in.
Between you and me, I think my entire TikTok inspired outfit flew me right over the radar. I looked like the type of person who drinks rosé out of a coffee mug for kicks and goes to supermarkets on holiday instead of Whole Foods. Meanwhile, my friends were sweating through their BasicAF Crop Tops and had the audacity to ask what brand my sandals were.
Ugh Barbie problems. The highlight of my evening? Getting recognised by a fellow staffer from Style Compass USA and her friends. “Are you that girl who writes those honest articles?” she asked sipping on what I can only assume was $30 champagne. “Like the one about sustainable fashion?” She nodded so enthusiastically I thought she was going to hop on my lap for a selfie.
Instead, we discussed at length how mad we were about “greenwashing.” It was the first time all week I felt like myself again doing something silly for work. Maybe it was the sense of freedom from wearing an “outfit” that actually represented how I would dress on a normal Saturday night or maybe it was the three espresso martinis I had by the end of the night. Who’s to judge?
FINAL VERDICT: I’ve been wearing night luxe my whole life and didn’t even know it. Bar crawling after 8 PM? Night luxe.
Going out with friends when you’re above the age of 25? Night luxe. Did this trend open my eyes to the realization that I’ve actually been wearing it for years?
YES. 4/5 stars, would’ve been perfect if my heels didn’t give me a blister. SUNDAY: #CleanGirl After a full week of wildly swinging aesthetics, Sunday blessed me with #CleanGirl .
If you don’t know #CleanGirl is TikTok’s current obsession with ultra-minimalist, barely there makeup and slicked back tops. I’ve worn some version of this look all nine times I’ve been pregnant. Only difference?
I didn’t have anyidea what I was doing in any capacity when pregnant with my cat. I literally squealed when I saw this trend. After hiking up mountain ranges and mountain Climbing salmon Sunday was my day of rest.
Which meant rolling out of bed hungover, throwing on the tightest bun I could muster (fun fact my hair is actually very thin so this made my face look 40% more awake), tinted moisturizer, clear brow gel, and lip balm. White jeans, blue button up, simple leather sandals. Off to brunch we went.
Posters child Jade who thankfully thought SO MUCH HIGHDER of my outfit than Frankenstein’s monster of a getup from yesterday. “So…are you fasting today?” She joked eyeing my bunned up do. “You look like you have your life together,” she added when I insisted I just drank a lot of water. And she’s not the liar. Strolling through the farmer’s market, I found myself picking out pricy organic fruit I’d normally scoff at.
I don’t know what it is about getting dressed up? Even if it’s for a silly challenge. But something about that outfit made me want to buy groceries I could actually cook rather than living off Grubhub and regrettable lifetime films.
I even ran into Katherine from work who was there with her ACTUAL children buying ACTUAL vegetables. “I loved your cowboy hat but this is suiting you better.” She said motioning at my somehow hipster white jeans and blue shirt combo. FINAL VERDICT:Adulting but make it fashion? Yep that’s #cleanGirl for you.
It’s comfortable, slightly practical, and gives others the illusion that you have your shit together when your basement looks like hoarded insurance salesman dropped dead in there. 4/5 stars, probs would’ve been 5 if I could’ve worn it to work. Lessons I learned dressing through TikTok algorithms for a week: 1.
TikTok only works for people that don’t commute or work in boxes with fluorescent lighting. 2.
Dressing for the mood you want to portray versus what’s seasonally trendy or what your body actually looks like in is a one-way ticket to misery town.
3.
Fashion is way more fun when you’re doing it for yourself vs some stupid news article. 4.
Coastal grandmother aesthetic is underrated and should be acceptable for people under the age of 80. 5. Never, ever will I wear anything low-rise related as long as I live.
Thank you for teaching me that, Alessandro Michele. Let’s be real. Fashion became my obsession at a young age because I loved getting dressed.
Sure, trends come and go, hell even entire aesthetic movements we autumn in and out of love with but at the end of the day, getting dressed is a form of self-expression. Take away the personal outlet and replace it with a robot and even the coolest combo of clothes start to feel like a uniform. So yes, while I will undoubtedly continue watching TikTok for entertainment and of course, trend predictions.
You can keep your algorithm out of my closet. But not forever. Coastal grandmother 4ever.
