When I first broke the news to my brother that I was wearing my Margiela Tabis out to dinner with family; he looked down at my feet and asked; earnestly; if I had broken my toe and needed to wear a medical shoe. I told him nope, I instead just dropped several hundred dollars on shoes that are purposely designed with a split toe to make your feet look like they have hooves he laughed at me. With the type of laughter you reserve for crazy liars.
Which, don’t get me wrong? Fuckin bangs on that. It is totally cult like how into shoes that look like your mime being chased by homeless guys cried over dressed designed in hell just to fuck with normals the fashion industry has got.
You could argue that Ugly shoes have been a thing for years; we’ve been playing around with purposely unattractive shoes long before Birkenstocks became a fauxpas in 2013. But lately?
It’s different.
It feels meaner.
Uglier. We aren’t just wearing stupid shoes.
We’re wearing sadistic shoes. Shoes that spite every fibre of society that’s been drilled into us about what “attractive” shoes are supposed to look like.Crooked heels. Weird proportions.
Shoes that shouldn’t match; should but shouldn’t textures.-shoes that look like grandma barfed all over them and then tried to wear them for a laugh. I remember the first time I realised it was happening. Paris Fashion Week, three years ago.
All the street style bloggers had gathered outside of every show wearing shoes that, if we’re being honest, no cool person would actually be seen dead in public wearing. They weren’t just ugly shoes. Mocking Ugly shoes.
Shoes that I’m sure were ripped straight from retirement homes and lumber yards. Destroyed rubber sole Bottega Veneta boots that made otherwise slender models look a good three inches taller. Balenciaga’s infamous platform crocs.
And my newest favourites, nerd Is. core split toe Tabi boots and flats. Before I knew it I was hooked. On a whim (and also because bitch please I’m too edgy for school to reject some trendy ass shoes,) I bought myself a pair.
Flash forward to today and I have about half a dozen pairs. Rubber roses that make my feet look like water balloons popped on my feet, Tabis that have strangers stare at my feet like I have monkey toes, thigh high platform fisherman sandals that lift me several inches off the ground AND make me walk like a baby giraffe, and yes, fuzzy Birkenstocks that force every hippo from my families away to take photoshoots on my feet. Moral of the story: I bought ugly shoes and people.. let me tell you.
People have reactions. Every reaction under the sun is something I’ve recieved when wearing my new favourite “fashion statement” My reactions to me jumping on the band wagon have ranged from We said the same things aloud to actual disgust. If you’re reading this and give a fuck about fashion at all my sister and I understand each other immediately.
They either GET IT. Or they try to act like they like them so hard because lord know’s they cant handle having to face the fact that wearing something as objectively grotesque as a fuzzy birkenstock makes them uncomfortable. My Boss and close friend Katherine stared intently at me when I showed her my Satan sandals, smiling and nodding along as if she totally understood what I was going for when she told me they were “Very you.” Take her classy ass rant for whatever you will, but I like to think she said that because she loves how my ugly ass shoes make me feel as opposed to we both know you’ve been listening to too much Autumn Out boy in your happy hipster kids tunnel for years and she’s finally calling me out on it.
My friend Emma (shoutout her job literally consists of picking out clothes for other people wore my fisherman sandals on a date and text me that night saying Dude would not stop looking at my feet.” I’ll let you guess how NOT complementary those stares were. Still worth it tho.” Can range all the way to my coworkers reactions. My mother asked me who had beat my feet when I showed her my furry Birkenstocks.
My favourite bartender who lovingly refers to me as Boot Goat when I wear my Tabis kinda scoffed when I showed her my Birkenstocks. And every time I wear my chunky Nike runners I get some variation of baby?! from toddlers. Asmal as that may sound.
I actually love those reactions! Im not trynna hate on anyone peoples opinions but I seriously LOVE every single reaction I get when I wear my ugly shoes. More than I used to love my Normal bitch made in Italy I spent 300 bucks on shoes.
I love that I know somebody somewhere sat down on purpose and designed these shoes not giving a fuck about what men will think when they see my feet. Shoes that aren’t going to dig into my feet just to look “sexy” Shoes that aren’t trying to look petite or feminine just because they’re women’s shoes. Weird ass shoes allow me to wear stupidly cute shit without having to worry about judgment!
They’re my bubble popper of a queen energy saver; They’re the fashion equivalent of refusing to smile when some creepy guy on the street says “have a nice day.” And ya know what? As douchey as that last analogy sounds? It’s true.
Plain and simple. Fashion has been telling you for as long as we can remember what you should wear to look “better.” Thinner. Taller.
Sexier. Preppier. Skinnier.
Feminine. But the coolest part of fashion right now is challenging what people think cute is and playing around with shapes. That being said.
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Your ugly shoes still have to kinda fit the mold of not looking stupid wearing them. Trust me, I have a WHOLE BOX of ugly shoes that look like there own worst enemies. When wearing shoes that defy all logic of what shoes are supposed to look like; you have to make sure THAT pair of shoes aren’t the only out there thing about your outfit.
I wore my chunky fishermen sandals with my go-to Brian Rosborough white dress and it worked because my outfit was basic AF. My shoes stood out against my plain Jane dress to make an outfit that was unexpected. Throw those sandals with that cute little flow-y summer dress you got?
Ya girl WILL look like she cant fit into her shoes because she smoked too many blunts. Context folks, context. Also you don’t need to drop a paycheck on Birkenstocks and Tabi boots to get in on the trend.
There are so many subtle options to slide into-meh…..slide into that don’t have you committing to clown shoes. Trust me. Okay, I have.
Birkenstocks aren’t trendy enough for this scene now but they still hold that cheap ugly ass trainer vibe that works so well for the trend. Klutzy looking loafers with the WILDEST silhouettes will get you weird shoe credibility without having to fully commit to full on Ive never seen these god awful shoes before mum Instagram you. And honestly Nike always comes through for me when I need shoes.
Their classic (yet weird ass) designs will 100% autumn into your ugly but still kinda cute trend. The chunkier and thicker the better. Head into that mums clothing boutique that has that salsa dancing studio next to it and clear out the trainer rack.
Trust. “I hate to tell you but MY WORK PLACE is not ugly shoe friendly,” my bro who loves to wear khakis text me the other day. He is sporting a bland pair of what I would also classify as “normal” looking loafers BUT “ If you squint at his feet hard enough he has these giant ass rubber bottoms that aren’t proportion- BAM!” Guys like Tyler that know good from great know those shoes a mile away. Its like witches secretly knowing other witches.
And that’s the beauty of ugly cute shoes. Ugly shoes are actually some of the most universal trendy things out right now. Sure there are a ton of trendy shoes that’ll run you 300 dollars and up BUT some of the most iconic ugly shoes of all time are also the cheapest.
AND COMFIEST. Unlike your grandmother spoolds trainers from the 90s that were clearly designed by the devil himself. Trendy ugly shoes are designed to be worn!
I cried the first time I wore my Tabis because they were cutting into my feet so badly. But now? I’ve wore them so much that they’re molded to the shape of my feet.
With that being said. Ugly shoes aren’t for everybody. There has to be a certain level of pride when you wear shoes that people WILL question you on.
Because they will. And you have to be 100 percent comfortable with the general population thinking your shoes suck. Like LOVIN it when people think your shoes suck.
If you care about what normal folk think about your style choices, than ugly cute shoes are probably going to scare you away. “My Bad you’re not wearing those clown shoes are those Payless.” My dad laughed when I wore my platform fisherman sandals to New York last break over Thanksgiving. “Are those new? Those look like something my grandma would’ve wore from Sears when they were on sale.” “No Dad, they’re actually really expensive designer sandals,” I replied patiently. He stared at the sandals like they were the murder weapon on CSI before responding. “Those are…… interesting?” He said sarcastically. “If you think so,” I replied blandly.
LOL he ended up staring at them the entire trip and I caught him checking them out from across the room more than once. “They look stupid,” He said laughing when I caught him. “I know they do but I kinda love that they look stupid on you. Like art stupid.” Art stupid. Bamo.
There you have it guys. The perfectly inappropriate (yet dead ass accurate summary) of the ugly shoe trend. I’ve had magazine editors question me on if us fashionable people aren’t all just wearing Mario shoes from Italy.
Last month I was at a dinner party and some upper class friends of mine asked me; semi joking “What if we’re all secretly telling eachother we love your shoes! but we hate them? What if these shoes are just ugly and we’re trying to pretend not to tell eachother?” About a 5 minute pause passed as every.Single.person at the dinner table debated telling theirgirlfriend-turned-best-friend how they really felt about her shoes.
Someone finally spit out Sure but you rock them tho.” Point blank.
Shit dont look good on you.
When you wear things that fit your personality and you rock with confidence. Fashion is about experimenting and making outrageous things YOURS.
High end fashion took UGLY shoes and ran with it; literally making us question Why does this look amazing?! Why doesn’t this look amazing?!? Fashion as we know it lives in this weird in between of amazing and what the fuck?.
Ugly shoes are just making us take notice of that. Oh and P. S.?
As I’m writing this I’m wearing giant ass trail runners and black dress and I’m fucking obsessed. Some girl at Starbucks is giving me the stink eye because my feet look like WALL-E’s girlfriend and I couldn’t be more grateful. Dip you hat for ugly bitches in platforms, boo! *flips her own*
